shut up and pay me

So last night I closed as per usual. I wasn't in the best of moods when I got there but through the decimation of a bag of gummi bears I felt better. Nooo please don't eat me, *gobble* that's enough outta you gummi bear. See doesn't reading that make you feel better? I knew it.

Anyway after everyone had been cut and it was just me a very respectable looking couple came in. I fought the crowd and got to the table to take their order. Two white wines, so I put the order in and went to get them a menu. I was gone no joke 2 minutes and this bleached blonde over perfumed woman said "Our drinks? Where are they?". I was more than a little shocked, and not at the two toned lipstick and liner spackled on her lips. I just smiled and told her the bartenders were busy. They ordered a dessert and were a fairly low maintenance table. They were more interested in sitting super close to one another and some inappropriate touching. A the guy was nearly totally gray and much older than the woman and...Bulgarian. I figured once I heard him speak I wasn't getting a very good tip. Sorry, I know that's awful but in my experience Bulgarians are a stingy bunch. Sooo, easy table that is until I got the server premonition that something was up. It starts as a little hair raise on the back of the neck and you just know someone is going to dine and dash. It's that sort of knowing you get just before you vomit on your shoes like "OH NO! I gotta stop this". I wasn't sure who it was until I saw the couple putting on their jackets and turning to leave. Like had gotten up and everything. I friggin rushed over there and said "DO you need your check?". The Rumpelstiltskin sized man looked shocked and said "Oh...we forgot to pay our bill".. Yeah...you think, jackass? I was.not.amused. I knew that if I walked away they were out, and the fat security guard that was on last night was too interested in his chicken wings to pay attention. "Yeah, you did forget, give me your credit card and I'll take care of it for you" smile GONE! If I could shoot venom from my eyes I would. So I cashed them out and they tipped me 5%..a dollar. Better than my having to pay for that stupid bill. Fuckers.