We have been overrun

So tonight I was spared the torture of the slam packed bar. I actually lucked out and was put in the diningroom. No easy task for a feamle have I mentioned how knuckle dragging cromagnon man my AGM is? Excessively so he told me today to stop standing with my arms crossed and try looking more coy and less intimidating. Uh...seriously? Why don't you just pee on my leg and show me who is boss.

Moving on my section was overrun by eastern europeans. If you've ever seen Americans abroad they drink bud, well apparently Czechs do it too. Come all the way to Canada and drink pilsner urquell awesome. They started off as 6 and turned into like 14. Grat time!! Speaking of which agm is such a pinhead he has been ranting about grat and how if it's not a reservation we can't grat them. Yeah.right. He wants the hostesses to tell them, us to tell them and the reso coordinator to tell them. Even though our menu says 8 or more means grat he'll the website says it too. Needless to say when it came time to bill them I went to another manager for the grat. This was after one party member paid 89 dollars worth of the bill and slipped me a five spot and a smile. Thanks your five bucks won't cover the tip out on it.

shut up and pay me

So last night I closed as per usual. I wasn't in the best of moods when I got there but through the decimation of a bag of gummi bears I felt better. Nooo please don't eat me, *gobble* that's enough outta you gummi bear. See doesn't reading that make you feel better? I knew it.

Anyway after everyone had been cut and it was just me a very respectable looking couple came in. I fought the crowd and got to the table to take their order. Two white wines, so I put the order in and went to get them a menu. I was gone no joke 2 minutes and this bleached blonde over perfumed woman said "Our drinks? Where are they?". I was more than a little shocked, and not at the two toned lipstick and liner spackled on her lips. I just smiled and told her the bartenders were busy. They ordered a dessert and were a fairly low maintenance table. They were more interested in sitting super close to one another and some inappropriate touching. A the guy was nearly totally gray and much older than the woman and...Bulgarian. I figured once I heard him speak I wasn't getting a very good tip. Sorry, I know that's awful but in my experience Bulgarians are a stingy bunch. Sooo, easy table that is until I got the server premonition that something was up. It starts as a little hair raise on the back of the neck and you just know someone is going to dine and dash. It's that sort of knowing you get just before you vomit on your shoes like "OH NO! I gotta stop this". I wasn't sure who it was until I saw the couple putting on their jackets and turning to leave. Like had gotten up and everything. I friggin rushed over there and said "DO you need your check?". The Rumpelstiltskin sized man looked shocked and said "Oh...we forgot to pay our bill".. Yeah...you think, jackass? I was.not.amused. I knew that if I walked away they were out, and the fat security guard that was on last night was too interested in his chicken wings to pay attention. "Yeah, you did forget, give me your credit card and I'll take care of it for you" smile GONE! If I could shoot venom from my eyes I would. So I cashed them out and they tipped me 5%..a dollar. Better than my having to pay for that stupid bill. Fuckers.

Totally knew that it was a test, you passed

So today listening to the CBC news (which is like an ultra polite ultra socially conscious vanilla version of NPR) I heard a very important server secret given to the world. The power of touch. How a gentle and brief touch to your guest will equate more money for you in the end. We all know at least one middle aged server who I a little bit too interested we'll say in guests. Yo hey I know I am wildly funny and my eyes are like pools of liquid sex and you can't get enough of me but seriously can you take a step back when you're talking to me? You're in my bubble and um, yeah I can smell your breath.

Anyway what this touch thing means is if you gently touch someone even in passing it will encourage them to feel comfortable. They say booze increases satisfaction with a meal by as much as 25% well believe me the touch of a pretty girl does too. We southern girls are taught this early on. You cam persuade easily with a smile and a touch. How do other servers do this?o usually touch someone on the shoulder when I am about to barge into their story to do my call backs. If I am prebussing I tend to touch an arm our when I give the bill. A sincere thank you coupled with a hand on the arm seems like you are super awesome and caring. Really you are thinking of the speed of your turn and burn. So next tome touchy feely is the way to go made better by bulging muscles and good hair.So I am planning on proofing this for typos tomorrow as again my iPhone thinks it's smarter than me.

2 weeks? I'll take 3 days

My AGM is gone for a week. You know it's a bad sign when the managers, both of them and 3 servers stand out on the patio and watch him leave. Actually watch him leave isn't exactly the right word. We watched to make sure he didn't go next door only to reappear a few hours later to ruin what was left of our nights by being a complete bag of (insert unpleasant images here). When we saw him veer off towards the parking lot we all let out a whoop of glee. It's rare that our managers admit dislike for him but now both our floor managers have been servers under him and they know. They know about the nightmares, the PTSD servers experience after a rare day in which the AGM is the acting floor manager. Also, why is that every GM/AGM thinks they're doing the restaurant a huge service by acting as the host? Don't you know you're making the hostesses nervous and slowing us down by offering your helpful hints? How about you go run some food since you're making the designated food runner do maintenance and repairs on the front of the house because you're too cheap to hire a real handy man. Yeah while you're at it, here take these dishes with you.
Oh I know every boss is a bit of a jerk but literally every time he opens his condescending mouth to say something pricky you can literally hear teeth gnashing. Like the collective "ooopa" when someone breaks glasses in a restaurant, but with teeth grinding. Everyone regardless of who it is turns away from him muttering "What a jackass". I'll bet his mother does too.

Why does it sound like we're in a submarine?

Good Thursday? It's the start of patio season and I'd like to address the issue of camping. squatting. table renting. riding the glorified lawn chair. God love Torontonians (Torontonites?) they can drink some beer at 12 on a Thursday. Good lord were those some cheap ass bankers. A section FULL of Prada bags, designer sunglasses, veneered teeth, blackberries, and not a smart (Or personable) patio-er in the bunch. If you plan on sitting on a patio all day that's fine, in fact it's encouraged. If you plan on smoking like a freight train, griping about how you don't get laid, informing everyone at the table how you shit gold and you and only you invented not only fire, but also the condom, the English language, post it notes, and the internet please, do close out your bill or don't ask to speak to a manager at the mere MENTION of giving you your bill actually you know what, don't sit in my section. I love love love working outside, I really do. Nothing makes me happier than the sun on my face. One thing I love more than working outside is getting to sleep in my car on my break between splits. I commute 45 minutes to work everyday and the idea of working 13 hours without a true break makes my brain dribble out my ears but it does happen. If you're going to keep me waiting on you please, tip me more than 10% on your business AMEX. Please, yes your English accents are charming but your Prada bag, Gucci sunglasses and that huge rock on your finger tells me you know how to spend money. I've never been talented in the ways of encouraging people to get the hell out. If you have tips on it please, let me know.
I suppose I should explain the title. As I was walking through (more than elbowing my way and pushing little 100 pound girls aside) the bar I got to the server station and realized that horrible clanging and pinging was coming from the sound system. I swear it sounded like we were on the Kursk. I said "What the hell is that god awful noise, I'm expecting us to spring a leak soon" I was informed we were in fact listening to pink floyd. I may be shot for saying this but I really think they're overrated just like I feel the same way about Radiohead. So aside from loving my stoner co workers I love love love our cooks. Not only do they defend me when the closers get their panties in a wad about cutlery they also do just about anything I ask. Including hugging me when I look pissy, and throwing food at me while making some awesomely dirty jokes. If you've not experienced the server brand of sexual harassment you're missing out.